Supporting the Veteran You LoveA Veterans Day reflection for spouses, partners, and adult children
Veterans Day is a day of flags, parades, and heartfelt thank-yous. Those moments matter. But for many families, the day also brings up something quieter: the everyday work of loving someone who served and who may be carrying more than they show.
In my work as a therapist, I often hear from spouses, partners, and adult children who want to help but aren't sure how. They tell me, "I don't know what to say," or "Every time I ask, he shuts down." If that sounds familiar, I want you to know you're not doing it wrong. You're doing something hard, and you're doing it out of love.
What your veteran may be carrying
Service shapes the body as much as the mind. Many veterans spent years in places where staying alert kept them and others safe. That kind of training doesn't simply switch off when someone comes home.
It can show up as trouble sleeping, irritability, scanning a room, needing to sit facing the door, or feeling on edge in crowds. Sometimes it shows up as distance, numbness, or keeping very busy.
These aren't signs that your loved one doesn't care. Often, they're signs of a nervous system that is still on duty.
Listening without pushing
When we love someone, we want to fix things. But pressure, even loving pressure, can make a person pull further away. Here are a few things that tend to help:
Let them set the pace. You might say, "I'm here whenever you want to talk. There's no rush."
Be present without the questions. A walk, a drive, or cooking together can open more doors than a sit-down conversation.
Listen to understand, not to respond. Reflect back what you hear: "That sounds like it was really heavy."
Respect the silence. Not every story is ready to be told. Some may be shared first with a fellow veteran or a therapist, and that isn't a rejection of you.
What not to say
Much like with grief, well-meaning comments can leave someone feeling unheard right when they're being vulnerable. Try to avoid:
"You're home now. You should be over it."
"I know exactly how you feel."
"Other people had it worse."
"Just try not to think about it."
Asking for graphic details about what they saw or did.
Instead, try:
"Thank you for trusting me with that."
"You don't have to explain it all."
"What would feel supportive right now?"
Taking care of yourself, too
Loving someone through their stress can be exhausting, especially when you start absorbing it. Family members often develop their own anxiety, hypervigilance, or burnout. Your needs matter here too.
Check in with your body. Notice tight shoulders, a clenched jaw, or shallow breathing. Place a hand on your chest and let your exhale be a little longer than your inhale. It's a small way to tell your own nervous system that you're safe.
Keep your own supports. Friends, family, your faith community, and activities that are just yours.
Set boundaries with love. You can be compassionate and still say, "I need us to speak to each other with respect."
Get support for yourself. You don't have to wait for your veteran to start therapy before you begin your own healing.
When to reach out for more help
If your loved one talks about feeling hopeless, being a burden, or not wanting to be here, please don't wait. The Veterans Crisis Line is free, confidential, and available 24/7: dial 988, then press 1, or text 838255. Family members can call, too. In an emergency, call 911.
You don't have to do this alone
At Bridging Hearts LLC, I offer telehealth counseling in English and Spanish for adults 18+ throughout New Jersey. As a somatic therapist, I help clients understand how stress lives in the body and how to gently bring the nervous system back to a place of calm. That includes family members who are holding a lot while caring for someone they love.
If you're ready to talk, I offer a free 15-minute consultation.
📞 551-270-4766 ✉️ bridgingheartsinfo@gmail.com 🌐 www.bridgingheartsllc.net
This Veterans Day, as we thank those who served, I hope we also make room for the families who serve alongside them, quietly, every single day.
Warmly, Yolanda Garcia-Corby, LCSW
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